The Freedom to Choose: Your Future Is Yours to Create

It feels wonderful to be home.

After spending time in Perth with family and helping care for Dad, I am back in Cairns, sitting at my desk and looking out towards the tropical rainforest.

The humidity is building, and the fan hums steadily as it moves the warm air around the room. Outside, the garden sprinklers are running, sending fine streams of water across the garden. As the sunlight catches the spray, little rainbows appear in the sprinkler heads, disappearing and reappearing as the water moves.

I find myself watching them for a moment.

There is something comforting about being back in familiar surroundings, enjoying the greenery, the warmth and the everyday sounds of home.

After weeks of travel, changing routines and family responsibilities, I am appreciating the ease of sitting at my own desk, with time and space to think.

My notebook is open beside my laptop, and I am preparing for today's group coaching session.

Over the past several weeks, the participants have been learning to recognise the beliefs, expectations and familiar patterns that influence their choices. They are beginning to move beyond the need to fix what feels wrong, prove themselves to others or avoid situations that make them uncomfortable.

As they develop greater trust in themselves and their ability to make different choices, I want to invite them to consider something bigger.

What would they genuinely love to create if those old limitations were no longer determining their choices?

I write two words in large letters across the page.

THINK BIG.

The exercise is to imagine the end result first, without immediately restricting ourselves to what feels realistic today. Then we work backwards to discover what might make that future possible.

As I continue preparing my notes, I remember something from a coaching session I attended years ago.

A rubber band was used to demonstrate the importance of stretching beyond our familiar limits.

I can still picture the band being pulled between two fingers, the tension increasing as it stretches.

Stretch it too little, and there is hardly any energy behind it. Stretch it too far, and it may break. But stretch it enough, and it develops the tension needed to create movement.

I think our ambitions can work in a similar way.

When we only consider what we already know how to achieve, we rarely challenge the boundaries of what we believe is possible. Yet imagining something much bigger doesn't mean we have to achieve it all at once.

We can begin with the desired outcome and work backwards, discovering a pathway that makes the next step easier to recognise.

I add the rubber band example to my notes and turn to a fresh page.

If I am going to invite everyone else to think big, I might as well do the exercise myself.

At first, I write about my business, the people I want to reach and the opportunities I would love to create. These are familiar ambitions, although the details have been changing as I reconsider what I want the next stage of my life to look like.

Then I give myself permission to go further.

An idea comes to mind that is so far beyond my usual goals that my pen stops moving.

I sit looking at the page for a moment, surprised by what I have just imagined.

What would I have contributed to the world for something like that to become possible? What would I have created? Whose lives might have been different because of the work I had done?

I begin thinking about my knowledge, my experience and the skills I have developed over the years. I consider the work I already do with young people, families and the adults who influence their lives, and I start imagining what might be possible if that work could reach far more people.

What catches my attention is where my thinking has taken me.

I am becoming less interested in what achieving something extraordinary might mean for me, and more interested in what I might be able to accomplish for others.

Only recently, my husband and I have been talking about the changes unfolding in our lives. Some of the circumstances that previously influenced our decisions are beginning to shift, opening possibilities we haven't been able to consider in quite the same way before.

Alongside those changes, I have been examining some of my own limitations. The importance I have attached to financial security, achievement, approval and the need to keep proving what I am capable of.

I am beginning to recognise how easily those concerns can become the starting point for my decisions.

Now, sitting at my desk, I notice something different.

I am imagining a future without first asking what I need it to fix.

There are still practical realities to consider, and I haven't suddenly stopped caring about financial security or achieving meaningful goals. But for this moment, I am allowing myself to think about what I would genuinely love to contribute.

I look back at the two words I wrote at the top of the page.

THINK BIG.

I smile.

I thought I was preparing an exercise to help other people expand their ambitions. Instead, I have discovered something about my own.

When we begin releasing the limitations that have been shaping our choices, we create room to discover what we genuinely want.

Recognise What Has Been Limiting Your Choices

Having the ability to make choices does not always mean we recognise what has been influencing them.

Sometimes our decisions come from what we have become accustomed to doing. We consider the expectations we have accepted, the circumstances we are familiar with and the experiences we would prefer to avoid. We may believe we are choosing our future while continuing to organise our decisions around what we don't want to happen.

Then something important can happen.

We begin recognising those influences.

A decision that once seemed obvious becomes something we are willing to examine. We begin noticing whose preferences we have been considering, which experiences we are trying to avoid and what we have been telling ourselves about the possibilities available to us.

Our circumstances haven't necessarily changed.

Our understanding of what has been influencing our choices is developing.

I think we sometimes move too quickly from recognising something we don't want to working out how to prevent it from happening. We begin protecting what feels familiar, avoiding uncomfortable conversations and concentrating on the difficulties we believe we need to resolve.

Those concerns can be important. They help us recognise responsibilities, understand potential consequences and consider the needs of people who may be affected by our decisions.

Yet there is another part of choosing worth recognising.

Am I deciding what I genuinely want?

Am I responding to something I don't want?

Have I allowed an old belief or expectation to limit what I think is possible?

We may not have considered those questions while we were occupied with managing everything we believed needed our attention.

Consider how many different influences can become part of an ordinary decision. We may continue living in a familiar way because we haven't stopped to consider what we would prefer.

We might allow someone else's opinion to become more important than our own, particularly when we want to maintain a relationship or avoid disagreement.

It is easy to make a choice that keeps everyone comfortable without recognising what we have given up in the process.

We may also organise our decisions around avoiding an unwanted experience.

Perhaps we have been concentrating on preventing disappointment, keeping ourselves from feeling uncomfortable or making sure a difficult situation doesn't happen again.

As those concerns become familiar, they can begin influencing what we allow ourselves to consider.

Our attention becomes occupied with what we want to prevent rather than what we would love to experience.

We may also keep postponing something we want until another achievement, opportunity or change in circumstances finally arrives.

The possibility remains important to us, yet we continue placing it somewhere in the future.

Sometimes we avoid making a decision altogether, hoping that more time or better circumstances will eventually make the right direction obvious.

We can spend so much time waiting for certainty that we overlook how our lives continue developing through the choices we make and the ones we leave unmade.

When we do decide what we want, we may become attached to a particular way of achieving it. We concentrate on controlling the outcome rather than remaining willing to explore another approach.

And beneath these familiar responses may be beliefs about what we deserve, what we are capable of achieving or who we believe we have to be.

Those beliefs can quietly influence the opportunities we pursue and the possibilities we dismiss.

Recognising these influences gives us an opportunity to understand how our choices have been shaped. We can begin distinguishing between what we genuinely want and what we have been doing because of an expectation, an uncomfortable experience or a familiar belief.

That doesn't mean every decision influenced by those concerns has been wrong. We can value our relationships, honour our responsibilities and learn from previous experiences without allowing them to determine everything we choose next.

Sometimes the most significant limitations are the ones we have become so familiar with that we no longer recognise them.

We may discover that a preference we have been accommodating is no longer appropriate, an experience we have been avoiding is no longer relevant or a belief we have accepted doesn't reflect what we are capable of becoming.

One familiar assumption begins to loosen.

Another possibility becomes available.

Somewhere along the way, we may discover that understanding what we have been choosing against creates more room to consider what we would genuinely love to choose instead.

Recognising what has been limiting our choices gives us the freedom to consider a future beyond those limitations.

Give Yourself the Freedom to Want More

There is something liberating about discovering that we can want an experience simply because we would love to have it.

We can become curious about unfamiliar subjects, imagine places we would enjoy exploring and consider activities that interest us without needing them to lead towards a particular achievement.

Sometimes those interests become connected to expectations. We begin wondering whether an activity would be worthwhile, whether we could become particularly good at it or what practical benefit it might provide.

Other times, we allow ourselves to enjoy the possibility for what it is.

The experience hasn't necessarily changed.

We are considering what genuinely appeals to us rather than what we believe it should accomplish.

Psychologists Kennon Sheldon and Andrew Elliot's research on self-concordant goals offers an interesting explanation for why this matters.

Their research distinguishes goals that reflect our personal interests and values from those pursued primarily because we feel pressured or obligated to achieve them. They found that people tended to invest more sustained effort and make greater progress towards goals that were personally meaningful to them.

That helps explain why the reasons behind our ambitions matter alongside the outcomes we hope to achieve.

Imagine giving yourself permission to consider all the things you could do.

Initially, your attention may turn towards familiar ambitions. You might imagine progressing in your career, developing another qualification or achieving something that demonstrates your knowledge and capabilities.

Then you begin considering experiences that have always interested you.

Perhaps you would love to learn another language, explore astronomy or discover how to grow vegetables in your garden. You might imagine travelling somewhere unfamiliar, exploring a walking trail or visiting a small town you've always wanted to experience.

Before long, your list begins growing.

You could reconnect with someone you miss, develop a friendship or spend more time with people whose company you genuinely enjoy.

Perhaps you would love to write a book, learn to paint, join a choir or create something that has been quietly sitting in the back of your mind for years.

You begin recognising how many different experiences appeal to you.

Some possibilities are small enough to begin this weekend. Others could take years to develop, and a few might be so far beyond your current experience that you have no idea where you would start.

Yet you can enjoy considering them without immediately deciding whether you will pursue them.

The list has become an opportunity to discover what interests you, rather than another collection of goals you feel responsible for achieving.

The distinction also applies to meaningful contribution.

Perhaps you would love to use your professional experience to mentor someone, share knowledge that could help others or become involved in a cause you care deeply about.

Those possibilities might eventually develop into something significant, although their value doesn't need to depend on financial success, public recognition or another measurable achievement.

You can find satisfaction in contributing because the work itself matters to you.

I find that particularly relevant when considering how much of our lives can become organised around what we believe we should achieve.

As an interest becomes personally meaningful, we may want to explore it further. That exploration can introduce opportunities, relationships and experiences we hadn't previously considered.

One interest opens the door to another.

We begin recognising possibilities that may have remained unnoticed while our attention was occupied with being productive, successful or responsible.

Of course, wanting something doesn't mean we have the time, resources or circumstances to pursue every possibility. We have relationships to consider, commitments to honour and choices to make about what matters most.

The value lies in allowing ourselves to discover what we genuinely want before deciding which experiences we will make room for in our lives.

Wanting more doesn't necessarily mean achieving more. Sometimes it means discovering more of what we would genuinely love to experience, create and contribute.

Choose a Future You Genuinely Want

I wonder how often we assume that wanting something means it genuinely matters to us.

We imagine financial success, professional recognition or a different lifestyle, believing those achievements will give us something important. When we consider the possibilities, we may feel excited about what could change without fully understanding why the outcome appeals to us.

Yet wanting something doesn't always mean we are choosing it freely.

Sometimes our ambitions are influenced by what we believe achieving them will fix, avoid or prove.

We might pursue financial security because we fear not having enough, seek recognition because we want to feel significant or work towards an achievement because we believe it will demonstrate our capabilities.

What appears to be a meaningful ambition may also be connected to an expectation we have learned to meet.

As we begin recognising those influences, we may develop a clearer understanding of what we genuinely want.

We can consider what attracts us to an opportunity, why the outcome matters and whether we would enjoy the experience involved in creating it. We may also recognise familiar beliefs or expectations that have been influencing our decisions without our awareness.

That understanding can help us choose our direction more deliberately.

We aren't necessarily changing what we want to achieve.

We are becoming clearer about why we want to achieve it.

There is another part of this that I think we sometimes overlook.

A genuine desire and a familiar pressure can exist together.

We can enjoy achieving meaningful things while wanting recognition for our efforts. We can value financial security while being concerned about experiencing financial hardship again.

Consider the ambitions that can develop throughout a successful career.

We may genuinely enjoy our work, appreciate the opportunities it provides and feel proud of the knowledge and capabilities we have developed.

As we begin considering what comes next, we may also think about the recognition another promotion could bring, the financial rewards of progressing further and how successful we might feel when we reach the next level.

Those outcomes can become increasingly important to us.

That doesn't necessarily mean the ambition is something we don't genuinely want. It may simply reveal several different motivations influencing the same decision.

We can enjoy achievement without needing it to establish our worth.

The same can apply to financial security, changing an unhappy situation or imagining a lifestyle that better reflects our preferences.

We can recognise what we want to change while remaining curious about what we would genuinely love to experience.

I think we sometimes make choosing more difficult by assuming that the things we have wanted for years must still be the things we want today.

We become attached to particular achievements, expectations or ideas about success without considering whether they continue to reflect what matters to us.

Yet our interests and priorities can change as we develop greater understanding.

We might discover that the freedom we want could come from working differently, that meaningful contribution matters more than recognition or that an experience we have been postponing is already available in another form.

We can consider our ambitions carefully, recognise what has influenced them and decide whether they still reflect the future we want to create.

That is part of making a genuine choice.

There will still be practical considerations, responsibilities and people whose preferences may differ from our own. Some decisions will require compromise, and the possibilities we choose may change as our circumstances develop.

For now, I think it is worth recognising that we don't have to pursue every ambition simply because it has been important to us in the past.

Sometimes understanding why we want something reveals an experience we would genuinely love to create.

Even when several possibilities appeal to us, we can choose which ones matter most.

You can value everything you have achieved while remaining free to choose what you genuinely want next.

Start Choosing Here

The coaching session has finished, and I am still thinking about the possibilities we have been exploring.

What began earlier at my desk has stayed with me throughout our conversation. I had invited the group to consider what they might genuinely love to create, and now I find myself wanting to explore that question further.

I decide to go for a walk.

Outside, the familiar warmth of Cairns surrounds me as my thoughts return to everything I have learned and the interests I have developed over the years.

I love stories. I love helping people understand themselves. Perhaps I could write adventure stories for children, with mysteries to solve and characters who discover what is happening beneath someone's behaviour.

Those stories might become part of a schools program, helping children develop emotional capabilities. Perhaps there could eventually be an organisation that makes those resources and appropriate support accessible to more young people.

One possibility leads towards another.

I haven't planned any of this, and I don't know whether these ideas will ever become reality.

I am simply enjoying imagining what I could create.

What surprises me is that I don't feel compelled to turn every possibility into another goal.

At the beginning of Chapter 2, in Choose How You Want to Live, I was recognising that I wanted to participate in creating my future rather than simply adjusting to whatever happened.

Since then, I have explored how easily our decisions can be influenced by other people's opinions, the experiences we want to avoid and the happiness we keep postponing. I have considered how not choosing is itself a choice, why we don't need to control every detail of what happens next and how the beliefs we hold about ourselves can shape what we think is possible.

In Nothing Is Wrong with You, I explored the difference between who we are and what we have learned to believe about ourselves.

Now those insights are coming together.

I am discovering that understanding what has been influencing my choices gives me more freedom to consider what I genuinely want.

Perhaps you have been recognising something similar as you have worked through this chapter.

There may be ambitions you have been pursuing, decisions you have been postponing or possibilities you haven't previously allowed yourself to explore.

Begin by recognising what has been limiting your choices. Consider the expectations, experiences and familiar beliefs that may have been influencing what you think is possible.

Give yourself the freedom to want more. Explore the experiences, interests and contributions that genuinely appeal to you, without immediately turning every possibility into another achievement or responsibility.

Then choose a future you genuinely want. Consider which possibilities reflect experiences you would love to create and which may have been influenced by something you were trying to fix, avoid or prove.

There is no need to ignore your responsibilities or pretend that every possibility will be easy to pursue. Some choices require careful consideration, important conversations and support from the people involved.

You can make room for those realities while remaining curious about what you would genuinely love.

Perhaps you will discover an ambition worth pursuing. You may recognise that much of what you want is already part of your life or find yourself imagining something completely different from what you previously expected.

You don't have to turn every possibility into a goal or decide exactly how your future will unfold.

You can appreciate what you have created, recognise everything you have learned and remain open to discovering what else might be possible.

You have the freedom to choose.