Not Choosing Is Still a Choice: Finding the Courage to Face What Matters Most

It has been a few days since I said goodbye to my parents, and I am only now beginning to understand what has been weighing on me.

I live in Cairns, more than 3,400 kilometres from them in Perth. Even a direct flight takes approximately five hours, and there is something about that distance that feels increasingly significant as we grow older.

I cannot simply drop in for a coffee, share an afternoon together or turn up when someone needs an extra pair of hands.

Being together takes planning.

Leaving takes courage.

For a few years now I have been returning to spend time with my parents and help with caring responsibilities. I treasure these visits. The familiar conversations, the ordinary routines and the opportunity to contribute something meaningful to the people who have given me so much.

But saying goodbye is becoming harder.

I notice the changes that come with time. Things that once seemed effortless can require more energy, more patience or more support. And while I am grateful for every opportunity to be together, I am increasingly aware that these moments will not always be available.

Every time I leave, I face the possibility that it may be the last time I see my father.

That is a difficult thought to carry onto a plane.

I wish I could do more. I want to know my parents are supported and that someone will be there when they need help. Yet I know I cannot be that person every day.

I have made peace with what I can offer, but that doesn't mean leaving becomes easier.

There is sadness in accepting something you cannot change.

When I said goodbye, the emotions were too close for me to make sense of everything I was feeling. I needed to come home, return to familiar routines and allow myself some time.

Now, a few days later, I am beginning to see what has been troubling me.

My parents are not the only people I want to be present for.

My husband and I have two daughters building their own lives away from home. I love watching them discover who they are becoming, and I want us to remain connected as their lives unfold.

Sometimes I wish the people I love could all be a little closer.

That we could share an ordinary afternoon together without having to plan flights, arrange visits or count the days until we see one another again.

But life doesn't work that way.

Our children grow up. Our parents grow older. Our relationships change, and the things that mattered at one stage of life begin making room for something different.

My husband and I are also looking towards our own future.

I want us to be healthy, active and happy. I want to keep working, learning, contributing and enjoying the life we are creating together.

Yet I can feel how easily concern for the people I love could begin shaping every decision I make.

What if someone needs me? What if something happens? What if I make a choice I later regret?

I could spend years arranging my life around those questions.

And there it is.

The possibility that I could become so busy responding to what might happen that I forget to choose how I actually want to live.

I cannot control everything around me. I cannot prevent difficult things from happening or make choices that guarantee everyone will be happy.

But I can decide how I want to respond.

Over the past few days, three choices have become particularly important to me: facing what I feel, having the conversations that matter and choosing how I want to live.

Together, they are helping me recognise the difference between living by default and living by design.

1. Facing What I Feel

Have you ever received a message that upset you?

Perhaps someone said something that felt unfair, or you read their words in a way that left you feeling hurt.

You read the message again. Then you begin thinking about what they meant, why they said it and what you would like to say in return.

Before long, you are writing a response in your head.

When something matters to us, our emotions can become so strong that we want to do something immediately. We want to explain ourselves, fix the problem or escape the discomfort.

And sometimes we do.

We send the message. We make the decision. We say something we wish we had considered more carefully.

But sometimes we do the opposite.

We tell ourselves it doesn't matter, distract ourselves with something else or stay busy enough that we don't have to think about it.

For a while, that can feel easier.

Yet the feeling may be telling us something important about a situation we haven't been willing to face.

Now imagine putting your phone down for a little while.

You go for a walk, get on with something else or simply give yourself time to settle.

When you return, the message is exactly the same.

Yet something has changed.

You may notice that the words could mean something different. You might wonder what was happening for the other person. Or you may still feel hurt, but have a clearer idea of what you want to say.

Psychologist Susan David, author of Emotional Agility, explains that we can acknowledge difficult emotions without allowing them to control our behaviour. Her work encourages us to recognise what we feel and choose actions that reflect what matters to us.

I find this distinction important.

The situation hasn't changed, but our ability to choose how we respond has.

I have been noticing this in myself over the past few days. I still feel sad about leaving my parents. I still wish some things were different.

But I am no longer trying to make sense of everything while those emotions are at their strongest.

I can feel the sadness without rushing to make a decision about it.

That doesn't mean ignoring what I feel. It means allowing myself to understand it.

And there is an important difference between giving ourselves time and avoiding something we don't want to face.

When we deliberately give ourselves space, we intend to return. We want to understand what happened and decide what matters.

When we avoid, we hope that leaving something alone will somehow make the difficulty disappear.

Sometimes it does.

Often, it doesn't.

I am learning that I don't need to act on every emotion, but I do need to be willing to face what those emotions are showing me.

Living by design begins when we stop allowing the strongest feeling in the moment to make our decisions for us.

2. Having the Conversations That Matter

Once we have taken time to understand our own feelings, something else becomes possible.

We can have the conversation.

But I wonder how often we avoid saying something important because we are worried about how another person might feel.

We don't want to upset them, disappoint them or create an argument.

So we change our words.

We say, "It doesn't matter," when it does.

We say, "I'm happy either way," when we have a preference.

We soften what we really want to say because we are worried about disappointing someone.

And in trying to protect their feelings, we sometimes leave our own thoughts and needs out of the conversation entirely.

Imagine telling someone you love that you have decided to do something important to you.

Perhaps you want to move somewhere new, make different plans for your future or change how you spend your time.

You have thought carefully about it and feel ready to share your decision.

But instead of the excitement or understanding you hoped for, the other person looks disappointed.

They become quiet.

Or they ask why you would want to do that.

Suddenly, the conversation feels much harder.

You begin explaining yourself. You want them to understand, and you may even feel tempted to change what you have decided just to make them feel better.

I recognise how uncomfortable this can be.

When we care about someone, their feelings matter to us.

But I have been thinking about something that changes the way I see these conversations.

If I am allowed to have my feelings, why shouldn't the other person be allowed to have theirs?

They may feel sad, worried, frustrated or disappointed. Their reaction may be very different from mine.

And perhaps that is okay.

Psychologist Harriet Lerner, author of The Dance of Connection, explores the courage it takes to speak honestly in important relationships, particularly when disagreement or discomfort makes it tempting to remain silent.

Her work reminds me that being honest and staying connected can require us to tolerate feelings we would rather avoid.

What if I didn't rush to fix how the other person was feeling?

What if I stayed curious instead?

I could ask what concerns them or what they had hoped would happen. I could listen to their experience and try to understand why the situation matters to them.

Perhaps I would learn something that changes my thinking.

Perhaps we would discover another possibility.

Or perhaps we would still disagree.

That is the part of conversation we cannot control.

We can choose our words, speak with kindness and listen carefully, but we cannot choose how someone else feels about what we say.

And we shouldn't need to.

The people we love have their own experiences, hopes and fears. They need room to express those feelings, just as we do.

I think courage in conversations is often misunderstood.

We imagine being courageous means saying what we need to say without feeling afraid.

But perhaps the greater courage is being willing to hear something uncomfortable and remain open to understanding it.

And if we avoid the conversation altogether?

We are still making a choice.

We are choosing to leave something important unsaid, along with whatever might have become possible if we had spoken.

Living by design means having the conversations that matter, even when we cannot control how the other person will respond.

3. Choosing How I Want to Live

Then comes the part that can be surprisingly difficult.

Making a choice.

We may have faced our feelings, listened to someone else's perspective and considered what matters.

Yet we can still find ourselves doing exactly what we have always done.

I think about how easily our lives fill with expectations.

There are people who need us, responsibilities to meet and familiar routines that keep everything moving.

We become good at responding.

We do what is needed, keep our commitments and make sure everyone is looked after.

And without noticing, another month passes. Then another year.

The holiday we wanted to take remains an idea. The conversation we wanted to have stays unfinished. The change we have been considering becomes something we will think about when life settles down.

I wonder how many of us are waiting for that moment.

When everyone is happy.

When there are fewer responsibilities.

When we finally have enough time, certainty or permission to do what matters to us.

I see this in my coaching conversations with young adults.

Someone may be unhappy with their course, their job or a relationship, yet keep putting off a decision because they are afraid of making the wrong one.

We often explore what I call a negative vision pattern.

They have become so focused on what they don't want to happen that they have stopped considering what they actually want to create.

They don't want to fail. They don't want to disappoint someone. They don't want to regret their decision.

So they do nothing.

But while they wait, life continues.

The course remains the same. The job they don't enjoy is still where they spend their days. The relationship continues with the same difficulties.

Their uncertainty is understandable. Sometimes they need more information, support or time to work through their options.

And sometimes, after considering everything, they decide to stay exactly where they are.

That may be a perfectly good choice.

Perhaps they have discovered something they value, recognised an opportunity or realised that their current circumstances still support the future they want.

But there is a difference between choosing to stay and staying because you are afraid to choose.

From the outside, their circumstances may look exactly the same.

The difference is whether they are living by intention or avoidance.

And that brings me back to something I explored in my earlier article, Choosing What Comes Next: Start with the Life You Want to Create.

I was discussing how easily we can spend our energy trying to fix what we don't want instead of creating what we do want.

Now I find myself considering another part of that experience.

What happens when we become so concerned about making the wrong choice that we stop making choices altogether?

We may think we are keeping our options open.

But while we wait, life continues.

And there it is.

Sometimes we think we are avoiding a decision when we are actually choosing to keep things exactly as they are.

That is something I want to remain aware of in my own life.

There will always be people I love, responsibilities to meet and circumstances I cannot control. Some choices will require compromise, and others may need to change as life unfolds.

But I don't want to spend the coming years waiting for everything to feel certain.

I want to keep choosing health, connection, meaningful work and experiences that make life enjoyable.

I want to support the people I love while allowing them to make choices about their own lives.

And I want to look towards the future with curiosity about what is possible, rather than fear of what might happen.

I may not always make the right decision. I may change my mind or discover something unexpected.

That is part of living.

What matters to me is being willing to consider what I want and take responsibility for the choices I make.

Living by default allows familiar patterns and circumstances to determine our direction.

Living by design means recognising that we have a choice about where we go next.

Start Choosing Here

As I sit here reflecting on the past few days, I realise that nothing about my circumstances has changed.

My parents are still a long way away. My daughters are building their own lives, and I still feel the sadness of saying goodbye.

But something has changed in how I am looking towards the future.

I can appreciate the time I have with the people I love without spending every moment worrying about the time we may not have. I can offer support without taking responsibility for everything.

And I can continue creating a life that feels meaningful, healthy and enjoyable.

Perhaps the choice I am making right now isn't to change everything.

Perhaps it is to appreciate what I have while remaining open to what comes next.

Living by design doesn't mean constantly moving forward, searching for something better or feeling that we should be doing more.

Sometimes we can stop, look around and realise that this is exactly where we want to be.

The difference is knowing that we have chosen it.

And perhaps that is something worth considering in your own life.

Is there something you have been avoiding because you are worried about what might happen? A conversation you haven't had because someone might be upset? Or a part of your life you have simply allowed to continue without considering whether it is what you want?

You don't have to work everything out today.

Perhaps you simply need to acknowledge what you are feeling, become curious about what someone else might be experiencing or recognise that continuing as you are is also a choice.

I want to enjoy the life I have while continuing to create the life I want.

I want to look back knowing that I was willing to participate in it, even when the choices were difficult.

Not choosing is still a choice. The question is whether you are allowing life to decide for you or consciously choosing the life you want to live.