Stop Avoiding What You Don't Want: How to Move Towards What You Do Want

How much of your life are you spending trying to get away from something you don't want?

Perhaps you want to stop worrying about money, leave an unhappy relationship or escape a job that makes you miserable. You know exactly what you don't want, and your determination to change your circumstances gives you something to work towards.

Or does it?

What happens when the future you are creating is still organised around the experiences you are trying to leave behind?

I find this an interesting distinction because we can be making changes, working towards goals and improving our circumstances while continuing to give the past considerable influence over our decisions.

We may know what we are escaping without having a clear understanding of what we want to experience instead.

Moving away from what you don't want is not necessarily the same as moving towards what you do want.

This is one of the negative vision patterns I regularly encounter in my coaching work. People can become so focused on escaping what they don't want that the unwanted experience continues to influence their choices.

They may be making changes, setting goals and working towards something different, yet their attention remains attached to the circumstances they are trying to leave behind.

In Choosing What Comes Next, I explored the difference between concentrating on problems we want to fix and imagining a future we genuinely want to create. This pattern helps explain why we can sometimes find ourselves returning to the same problems, even when we are making progress.

One young person I have been coaching recently helped me understand just how powerful this distinction can be.

When Avoiding Becomes the Goal

Cassie had spent years learning to manage anxiety and more recent experiences of panic.

She was thoughtful, capable and had many things she wanted to do. She could imagine a future involving work, independence, friendships and experiences she would enjoy. However, the fear of becoming overwhelmed had made some ordinary situations difficult.

When we first began working together, much of her attention was on managing what she didn't want to experience.

She didn't want to feel anxious. She didn't want to panic. She didn't want to lose control of how her body responded.

Those concerns made sense. Panic can be intensely distressing, particularly when someone has previously felt overwhelmed in public or uncertain about whether they could manage what happened next.

Avoiding another episode could feel like the safest choice.

However, the more we explored what she wanted for her future, the more interested I became in the difference between managing an unwanted experience and building the capability to live the life she imagined.

She wanted to go places, spend time with people, develop independence and feel confident about what she could do.

Those were aspirations worth moving towards.

Her fears were real, and she needed practical ways to respond to them. What mattered was discovering whether fear had become the deciding factor in situations where she also had other possibilities.

A recent experience brought that distinction into focus.

One afternoon, Cassie attended a gathering with her family.

There were people everywhere, conversations happening around her and a big screen playing in the background.

Within the first five minutes, she wanted to leave.

She turned to her mother and told her she wanted to go home.

I can imagine how quickly her attention narrowed. After years of difficult experiences with anxiety and panic, the possibility of becoming overwhelmed was familiar. When discomfort appeared, leaving offered an immediate way to escape it.

The more she concentrated on not wanting to be there, the harder it became to notice anything else.

However, she stayed a little longer.

Then something caught her attention.

Formula 1 was playing on the big screen.

Cassie loves Formula 1, and as she began watching, she found herself engaging with something she genuinely enjoyed.

Her thoughts were no longer circling entirely around getting out. There was something else happening, something she wanted to experience.

I wonder whether this was the moment a different possibility began to emerge.

Perhaps this isn't so bad.

Perhaps I can do this.

Those weren't words she reported saying to herself. They describe the shift I could hear when she later told me what happened.

Because Cassie didn't simply stay another five minutes.

She stayed for hours.

Even when her phone went flat, she continued participating in the gathering. By the end she was exhausted, and she acknowledged that the experience had still been difficult.

But she was proud of herself.

She had arrived convinced she wanted to leave and discovered that she could remain, engage and enjoy aspects of an experience she almost missed.

The situation had offered more possibilities than her fear had allowed her to see.

The Difference Between Avoiding and Creating

There is a useful distinction in psychology between avoidance goals and approach goals.

Avoidance goals focus on preventing an unwanted outcome, while approach goals focus on moving towards something desired.

Psychologists Andrew Elliot, Kennon Sheldon and Marcy Church explored this distinction in their research, Avoidance Personal Goals and Subjective Well-Being. Their findings suggest that consistently pursuing goals centred on avoiding unwanted outcomes can be associated with lower wellbeing.

This doesn't mean avoiding something is always wrong. There are excellent reasons to avoid danger, financial harm or relationships that are unsafe.

What interests me is how we can become so attached to preventing an unwanted experience that it continues to shape what we notice, how we feel and the choices we make.

Consider someone who has experienced years of financial pressure.

They become determined never to struggle with money again. They work harder, reduce expenses, build savings and look for ways to increase their income.

Those actions may improve their circumstances considerably. However, if their attention remains fixed on avoiding financial hardship, every unexpected bill can reinforce the fear that there still is not enough.

Even as their savings grow, they may struggle to enjoy what they have because they are continually anticipating what they could lose.

Now imagine that same person beginning with a different question.

Instead of asking how to make sure they never experience financial hardship again, they begin exploring what financial wellbeing would look and feel like.

They may discover that they want security, freedom to make choices, opportunities to enjoy life and the ability to appreciate what they already have while building towards more.

They may continue taking exactly the same financial actions. What changes is the experience they are moving towards and the possibilities they begin recognising along the way.

This distinction extends far beyond money.

Someone trying to avoid disappointment may stop taking chances, while someone wanting to experience growth may become willing to try something unfamiliar.

Someone determined never to feel rejected may withdraw from relationships, while someone wanting meaningful connection may begin exploring how to build trust and belonging.

In each situation, the unwanted experience may still be possible. Creating something different doesn't require us to eliminate every risk or uncomfortable feeling.

It requires us to recognise that there is more available to pursue than simply the absence of what we fear.

When avoiding becomes our goal, what we don't want continues to set the direction.

When creating becomes our goal, we begin choosing from what is possible.

When the Past Is Still Choosing the Future

I notice a similar pattern when people talk about relationships.

Someone may leave a relationship in which they felt criticised, controlled or misunderstood. When they imagine another relationship, they begin by describing everything they don't want. They don't want someone who questions their decisions. They don't want constant arguments. They don't want to feel restricted or responsible for another person's emotions.

Those experiences may have taught them important things about boundaries and what they are no longer willing to accept.

The difficulty begins when avoiding the previous relationship becomes the primary way they select the next one.

They may seek someone who appears to be the complete opposite of their former partner, believing that difference alone will create something better.

But the opposite of being controlled is not necessarily the presence of genuine connection.

The absence of arguments doesn't automatically create honest communication.

Being left alone to make every decision is not necessarily the same as feeling respected, supported and valued.

The opposite of what we don't want is not always what we genuinely want.

This is where the pattern can be particularly difficult to recognise.

We believe we are making a new choice because the circumstances look different. However, the previous experience is still establishing the criteria.

I wonder what might change if we began asking different questions.

What qualities would make a relationship enjoyable?

How would we like to communicate when we disagree?

What would mutual respect, trust and connection look like in everyday life?

Those questions allow us to consider possibilities that may have nothing to do with the relationship we're leaving behind.

The lessons of the past remain valuable. We don't need to discard what we have learned about our needs, boundaries or safety.

In Becoming Unstuck, I explored how accepting what has happened and releasing old expectations can create room for something new. The same principle applies here. We can carry forward what we have learned without requiring the next experience to be defined by the last one.

I think this is why escaping an unwanted experience can sometimes feel less satisfying than we expected. We reach the other side, only to discover that we haven't given much thought to what we want to experience once we are there.

Getting away gave us a reason to move, but it didn't necessarily give us a direction for what comes next.

Creating Something Worth Moving Towards

When Cassie and I revisited her experience at the gathering, I was interested in what had changed.

She had arrived wanting to leave, concentrating on everything that made her uncomfortable. Yet when her attention shifted towards something she enjoyed, she discovered that she could stay, participate and experience something different.

The anxiety had not needed to disappear before something else became possible.

This distinction sits at the heart of how I approach coaching.

When someone comes to me struggling with a behaviour, emotion or experience, I want to understand what is happening and why. However, I am equally interested in what they want to experience instead.

We can spend considerable time exploring what is wrong, understanding where it came from and developing strategies to manage it, without ever giving someone a clear picture of what they want to create.

Understanding the problem matters. So does discovering what is possible beyond it.

I wanted Cassie to experience that distinction for herself, rather than simply hear another explanation from me.

I invited her to imagine that her thoughts were seeds in a garden. Whatever she continued to water and nurture would have an opportunity to grow.

We began with the thoughts and feelings she had spent so much time trying to avoid. What would anxiety look like if it grew into a plant? What about negativity or overwhelm?

Cassie began drawing. Anxiety became an intimidating monster flower. Negativity produced drooping, lifeless flowers, while overwhelm grew into a tangled mess. As each drawing took shape, she could see what these experiences might become when they continued to occupy her attention.

Then I invited her to create another garden.

What might grow if she concentrated on what she had already discovered she could do?

She began with the belief that she could survive difficult experiences. Her drawing became a strong, stable flower. Next came the belief that she could do hard things, which she represented as a flower capable of protecting itself and withstanding difficult conditions.

Then we explored confidence. What would it look like to feel comfortable with herself, knowing she could handle experiences without needing to overcome something every time?

She imagined another flower, this time representing confidence and being happy with who she was.

Two gardens were now sitting in front of her. One represented the thoughts and feelings she had been working so hard to escape. The other represented the qualities and experiences she wanted to develop.

I asked her which garden she would prefer to live in.

She chose the second.

I hadn't needed to persuade her or tell her what to think. By creating both gardens, she could see where her attention had been going and what else she could choose to nurture.

This is a distinction I return to throughout my coaching work. Understanding what is wrong and learning how to manage difficult experiences can be valuable. However, when those difficulties become the entire focus, we risk spending so much energy managing the problem that we never explore what we actually want to create.

Cassie had already experienced this shift at the gathering. The garden exercise reinforced what she had discovered and gave her a way to recognise the same choice in other situations. She could acknowledge anxiety and fear while continuing to develop confidence, courage and independence.

The choice was no longer simply how to avoid what she feared. It was what she wanted to grow.

Start Choosing Here

In Choose How You Want to Live, I explored the importance of identifying the life we genuinely want to create. This is where that clarity becomes valuable, because knowing what we want gives us something to move towards, rather than leaving our past experiences to determine what comes next.

There is value in recognising what we don't want.

Difficult experiences can teach us about our needs, our boundaries and what matters most.

However, those lessons become more useful when we allow them to inform our choices rather than limit our possibilities.

Think about something you have been working hard to avoid. Perhaps it is an emotion, a circumstance or an experience you don't want to repeat.

Now consider what you would genuinely like to experience instead, and what might become possible if you began directing your attention towards creating it.

What would you choose to grow?

You may not be able to change every circumstance immediately, but you can begin making choices that reflect the life you want to experience.

Knowing what we don't want can start the change.

Knowing what we do want gives us somewhere to go.